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Posts tagged: Chelsea Handler

I’m a fantastic cook and if by cook you mean bartender and if bartender you mean pourer of vodka over ice. 

What should I say in a letter to Chelsea Handler to convince her to bring me on her show? 

"Our relationship finally ended when he took to waking me up in the wee hours of the morning when he would go surfing.  He thought it might be fun to have me come and watch.  ’Fun for who?’ I wanted to ask.  I had never asked him to come to happy hour and watch me drink." 

"I had to end it right then and there and, in turn, teach myself a valuable lesson: no lying while drinking.  A normal person would have decided to stop lying completely.  I decided to restrict myself to lying only when I was sober."

"The great thing about being an alcholic is that when you’re bored at a party, you can just leave with out saying good-bye, and people will just think you blacked out."